Honouring parents (Exod 20:12)

Given the prominence of discussions relating to child abuse in our world, the command to honour parents may have become more controversial than it needs to be. Obviously, such a command should never be used to enforce obedience to sinful activities demanded by persons in authority. Some time ago, I listened to the testimony of a woman in her fifties who was repeatedly abused by her father as a child. Even into adulthood, she would have such an emotional reaction to meeting him face-to-face that she had to move to a different area of the country to be able to cope. Yet, as her testimony unfolded, I was struck by the way she also talked about the valuable lessons she learnt from him in other areas of her life unrelated to the abuse. The Lord has done remarkable work in her heart. For victims of abuse even the idea of showing respect to such people can seem too much and healing from past hurt may be a lifelong process.

For most of us with parents who meant well but did not always get it right, the matter may be less harrowing. Within its ancient patriarchal context, the command was radical in placing mothers on a par with fathers in the respect due them. Since Israel lived in multigenerational families and father in Hebrew can refer to forefather (1 Kings 2:10) or other authority figures (2 Kings 6:21), the requirement likely implied respect for the wider authority structures of society. This is fundamental to an ordered life and hence our verse connects it to a prolonged stay in the land as a sign of God’s approval.

Once again, modern Western societies face a particular challenge because our cultures place a premium on children’s thoughts and choices and urge the debunking of authorities. From an early age, children absorb the value of questioning and doubting power structures while they are encouraged to resist conformity and define their identity often against their family or society. Thus, ‘teenage rebellion’ that we take as a universal given in the development of a child may actually be a modern phenomenon. In such a context, it is challenging for parents to raise children who can hold together the importance of questioning and inquiry, while simultaneously respecting authority in ways that uphold order in society. Interestingly, several NT injunctions emphasise the importance of parental attitude of not provoking or exasperating children (Eph 6:4; Col 3:21). In other words, an authoritarian approach and a harsh or unreasonable stance will not be effective.

Respect for parents does not end with childhood and as our parents get old and frail the power dynamics change. Contempt for weak and elderly parents who are not fully in command of their faculties can be a temptation in any era, as a second-century BC Jewish writing testifies:

My child, help your father in his old age, and do not grieve him as long as he lives; even if his mind fails, be patient with him; because you have all your faculties do not despise him. For kindness to a father will not be forgotten, and will be credited to you against your sins. (Ben Sira 3:12-14)

The challenge also increases today because in a fast-changing world where the elderly cannot always keep pace with technology or life, they may be passed over or dismissed. An aging population also strains economies and causes resentment in some. Although advocates for euthanasia emphasise the alleviation of suffering, such practice would put pressure on elderly folk to end their life so as not to become a burden on others. Further, Jesus also connects honouring parents with financial support (Matt 15:4-6), particularly important in societies without social security. As we live longer these days and pensions cannot always keep pace with the cost of living, it becomes a pertinent issue again. The principle of respect then is more than a sentiment, it expresses itself in action. At one end of the spectrum, it is an acknowledgement of the order that God has put into place and, at the other, it reflects His care for those in a vulnerable position.

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